Who the hell am I?
I woke up with that on my mind today. I woke up thinking about my age, my disposition, my funny smile, my way in the world.
I look back at wild vacillations in my life and the whole complete story of heretothere full of antics and scraped knees.
I am 36. I think of being in my 20′s when I was pretty damn sure of who I was that I was unchanging and thisisthewayitis was all up in my head as I awoke.
I have three daughters. That brings so many things about me into focus and how a person changes as their children change, especially from toddlers to teens. We become different people at the different ages of our children. I don’t think this is who I expected to be when I was nursing and birthing babies in cattle troughs in my bedroom. But there is nothing negative about what I have become. That road I thought I was on just ended up not being the one with as many flowers and trees to climb as I wanted.
I was divorced at 30 after telling my husband I had to think about women to have an orgasm when we were in bed. Hey, not the best blow to deliver to a male ego, but nothing else I said seemed to get through to him about how I was feeling.
So I embarked on a completely new path with my kids in tow, and sometimes they were raw and sometimes I was too raw to do things I should have been doing. But they watched me grow and I herded them into the best places I could. I healed some wounds and got some softer spots than I had previously had.
I have spent the last 6 years really doing a workover of reinvention. I have not lost anything I had before. I feel like life is magical. I talk to insects. I talk to myself. My kids never stopped thinking I was goofy. I love to make people laugh. But a whirl of changing friend groups (while maintaining the ones I raised my kids with) brought me to new levels of insight and my heart rose up out of trauma with helping hands and souls that stayed close no matter what.
I crocheted, I made clothes for women-of-size, I did drag shows, I gave nutritional advice and potions to everyone who stopped in, I did some burlesque, I raised 3 kids who are self-aware. I regularly raised money for Houston’s STAG (Some Transgenders Are Guys) community. I met Danny at a function one night when I was emceeing and the rest is history now.
So here I am, a Pure Texas woman who (literally) sold her $500 cowboy boots and some facewash to get here. Surrounded by snow and living a dream of doing what I am passionate about while the kids are in better schools and I rest my head on the prettiest thing in the world at night.
Is it luck? Nah. Life throws us every direction it can before we discover gold. And it’s all the better that way. These crazy bumps and bruises are worth the world to me and the ability to look back on it and have clarity, even painful clarity, makes for some fabulous appreciation.
I didn’t dream up this life. It dreamt of me.